Sometimes, I think about the dozen or so blogs I meant to write but forgot, or about the six or so I actually posted and then deleted. (Maybe you were lucky or not to read the latter) Many times I felt it was a good idea but then suddenly I realized it was either irrelevant or just too personal. Tonite is one of such times where I think the points touched are quite personal. Maybe I will delete this soon, if I see too much info has leaked out, oh well. This has been one of the most positive weekends this year. Not only was I not working, but I had time to enjoy the company of my family and the company of G's friends. Saturday nite, my mom invited me over to her house as usual, but we ended up in an Argentinian Steak House. She had brought along a friend of hers and her son, and since I knew beforehand they were going to be there, I went along with the plan. Now, going to Mom's house is one thing. Usually I grab a pair of old jeans, a tee and pull my hair back in a ponytail. I do not know the extent of mom's trans awareness . Telling her and showing her pics is one thing but making her say Laura instead of the boy name she gave me is another story... Not that I really care, I love Mom dearly and I don't expect her to change pronouns for me. I talk to her almost every other day on the phone and most of the times, she just changes from he to her in almost every other sentence, LOL Anyways, since we had guests and we were going out, I let my hair down, got my nice embroidered jeans, my new Cure T-shirt and the cute black and violet Ecko's Glenn got me and off I went. I don't usually wear make up around Mom, I kinda go by what she and my sister do, and if they don't wear it, then neither do I. Glenn decided not to go. Argentinean Grilles usually have tripe and blood sausage on the menu, and he didn't feel like dealing with the sight. It still kinda bothers me that he doesn't want to be around my family. I am pretty sure Mom and sis know we're up to no good :-P feminine intuition and all. I am not going to force him, besides we speak alot of Spanish and I don't want him to feel outta place. We had a great time at the restaurant. When we all got introduced the young teen hugged and kissed me along with his mom. Now, in our Latino culture, we hug and kiss a female but we only hug and kiss dad or grandpa. A teen would be very uncomfortable doing it to someone like me in particular. Come to find out he is gay, so I felt very comfortable throughout the dinner. Both our guests were basically on my side during the whole time. It was very easy for them to explain to my mom I had just started my real life and that I should be supported because I was being so brave. I guess they had the impression I was kinda shy or ashamed of who I was, but it all changed when I told them I had never felt better in my whole life. That accepting who I was had been the first step in being happy with myself. I then realized I was actually proud of who I was and felt like I was glowing. We took a couple of pics, cuz of course, I was carrying my camera.
Glenn's friends tonite could have made an entire new blog, maybe I'll get to it later. We went to one of my favorite French/American restaurants in Ft Lauderdale. I knew they were going to be nervous and a bit uncomfortable. Not that they're intolerant or anything like that but they still have some issues they have to get over with. Glenn and his friends usually invite each other for dinner on their b-days. This year G put his foot down and said he was bringing me with him cuz it would be rude not to, living with him gives me such privileges. So I was a bit nervous and I did my make up a bit more detailed than on a friday nite out. Which brings me to comment on how blah those Fridays at the bar make me feel these days. I do like chatting it up with the girls there, but when they start grinding each other while dancing to some bad music the dj puts thru the speakers, it makes me uneasy and uncomfortable. That is not what I want the mainstream patrons to see and give them an idea of what Transgender people are all about. Maybe I am just being anal, and shouldn't worry about it. Still, I think some decorum should be maintained. So back to Sunday, all I can say is that wine makes everyone loosen up. Glenn and his friends were quite tense when we started, but eventually everyone relaxed. I could tell one of G's friends was having a particular hard time looking directly at me. By the end of the night she was glancing and smiling at me but most of the time she had been looking in front of her. I got along with her husband alright. Quite a gregarious fellow, he kept the conversation going. His eye contact was constant. Glenn was quite tense at first, I know he was because he wouldn't look at me. I believe in the power of a smile. I know he looked at me once in a while and saw me smiling at him. He eventually eased up too. I can't say I was as nervous as I thought I would be. I always aced my mid terms and finals without studying much because I was not scared of them. I have always tackled bad situations at work with a straight(no pun intended) mind. I think one of my strengths is to keep cool in adversity. Even though, this was not an extreme case, the challenge was present. I am not sure what kind of impression I made to them but I was happy to oblige :-P
Reading thru Renee's last blog I agreed with her that blogging has not been one of my priorities in the last few months. It always seems like there is a lot to do but basically I think I have been avoiding writing. I don't think there was much to write about, no angst, no drama, just plain domestic issues...like G's birthday for example. Today was my b/f's birthday. Bought him his favorite sweet potato pie, a Star Trek B-day card with Mr. Spock speaking and wrapped The Force Unleashed for the PS3 in some pretty silver paper. Probably tomorrow we will go to the bar and have some shots. My boyfriend will be Glenda (someone you are more familiar with) and we will take some pics with the other girls. Glenda is just one aspect of that wonderful and intricate person that I have come to admire and cherish. It's been a messy month of September as we tried to get used to living in one place. It is hard to feel situated when you have been living alone for years. After a bunch of arguments, sullen moments and silent treatments we have started to make the condo look like it is inhabited by two reasonably sedentary beings. Glenn ran all the wiring and hooked all the electronics together. My pc is working as a media server that contains more than 5500 songs, ripped mostly from my CD collection. Now we have 14 days of uninterrupted music in case the world ends as we know it. I'm in charge of laundry and clean up, stuff I'm used to doing all the time anyways...
Back in my younger pre-married days, I used to listen to music a lot. I used to check on the indie labels and I liked to go to concerts and what not. I thought then, as I think now, that the music they put on radio was crap and choosing what I wanted to hear was very important to me. Very much like the news they feed to you on the main tv networks, it feels like they feed you the predigested crap, what they want you to hear. Hey, who listens or watches FOX news UGH!! Anyhoo, before being caught in the maelstrom of video games I was quite the indie label connoisseur. My favorite was 4AD and SST. 4AD had the Pixies on their roster, one of my favorite bands ever. And this is one part of my life I need to reconnect myself with. I joined EMusic and I am quite pleased with the selection they have there. Now, they don't have much in mainstream music like Rhapsody and I tunes but all the indie labels are there. Just what I needed to catch up from where I left 15 years ago. My school friend Armando and I used to like the same music back in the infamous 80's. We grew up listening to punk rock bands. Sex Pistols, the Clash, the Ramones were kind of on heavy rotation. By the end of the 70's, punk movements had died off and we were listening to post punk bands like the Cure and Siouxsie and the Banshees. Kinda fell back on some veteran rockers like Iggy Pop, Lou Reed and David Bowie. People in school kinda scoffed at my predilection for the Beatles but Armando always respected that. After graduation, I did several years in college. Most people there were used to the mainstream and were quite bewildered when I mentioned some of the bands I listened to. Most people I hang out with liked Classic Rock and were quite militant about it. I remember I enjoyed the Doors at this stage of my life. Most of my tapes back then were pirate and bootlegs because I had no access financially for the imports. It all changed when I began living in the US. Originally I was overwhelmed by the variety I could chose from. So, before I met my future bride and had seen the birth of my 2 beautiful children, I had amassed a sizable collection. Some of it is still on tapes, which have withstood a couple hurricanes, long moves from Florida to Michigan and the trip back down. I know they're still in great shape. One day I will figure a way to transfer them to mp3's...So, twenty years later Armando and I are going to compare the music that has shaped our lives. I wonder what he will think of the new stuff I got. I picked up a couple of metal albums, but mainly I remained in the alternative rock arena. In between drinks and anecdotes, I think we will benefit from what each of our collections has to offer. Lots of ripping heh.
A delicate point in conversations between Glenn and I has been the relation to his friends. Some of his very close friends have not wanted to talk about his cross dressing or his relation to me. I have always tried to avoid interfering with his friendships. He admitted he wanted to keep their friendship despite their mild intolerance. I respected that because I understand older friendships need to take their time. Like me, G has very few but close friends. So when Glenn had to go to visit them, I found something else to do. That involved birthdays, some Halloween parties, etc. I'm not a social butterfly so not going there with Glenn didn't particularly affect me. I guess moving in with him changed my status somehow. When G's birthday got here this time, he told his friends that dinner would have to include me. They agreed. I didn't feel I had to dance a victory dance, but do you think they'll like to pose in a pic with me ??? :-P
p.s. by the way, the title of my blog comes from an album I digged out of my collection...
There are too many things in the world that are wrong. I am a mere observer and I really don't think I am a catalyst of tremendous changing powers. All I hope is that my words touch you, reader. Maybe you will understand, maybe you will shrug and go to the next blogger, maybe you will secretly admire me. If I nudged your consciousness, I'll feel content.
What's all this about transgender?, you may ask. All my fellow sisters know the drill, but a mainstream audience may look at a tg site and make up a wrong notion of us. Transgender is not about sexuality but more about gender identity. Transgender is more about a journey than a mere fetish. A transgender person is just another human being trying to live in this world. We work, breathe and eat like any other human being. Unfortunately, for some misjudgement, we don't have the same rights most citizens have. Why is that? Just wanted to make you aware thats' all :-)