"I have never really tried to analyze why I slowed down on my blog writing and my incessant instant messaging. Is it really because all I had to say I already did or is it some mysterious level of tg consciousness you reach? My experiences have taught me that, even though I may follow similar paths many transgender friends have followed, the last miles will always be traveled alone..."
from the Top Secret Journal of Laura C.
Rearranging my world after admitting my tg status is always ongoing. The difference about it these days is that I don't make everything in my world revolve around being T. My job is not about being T, my friendships are not about being T or my hobbies are not about being T. There was a time when everything had to pass thru the tg filter, everything had to be scrutinized with a tg eye in order for me to like it or accept it. I have returned to doing things I used to do before transitioning, like downloading music. I found good stuff in EMusic again, like Cascade by Peter Murphy and some MC5. Never heard of a band called Admiral James T but I like it very much. I found some punk rock from Spain which I haven't seen or heard since I lived back in Peru, and that pleased me quite a lot too.
Last year, I tried my hand at some activism but even though I support and attend some meetings, I feel out of my element again. Talking about that, Pride is coming around at the end of this month, so yes, I will be attending Pride Fest in Ft Lauderdale on March 22. I had fun the other day, when I did a Valentine's pictorial for Flickr. I think that is one thing I still enjoy a lot from my TG-stuff-only days. I wonder if I will still do pictorials when I reach my 60's, LOL
I have found out that I am loved not because I am tg, I am loved because who I am. My kids don't like me because I am Laura, they like me because to them I am always Dad. I still have to figure out why Glenn loves me, all I can say right now is because I look good in pictures :-P. But seriously, talking about it has yielded an important conclusion: He likes me because of who I am, TGism included but not restricted to. People at work, both co-workers and clients like me because I do my job well and nothing in my personal life has affected that performance. I like the attitude of my mom and sis. After learning about Laura, they have kept on treating me the way they always have, Mom calls me almost every day and we visit at least once a week. They still kinda giggle when they find out new things about me, like when I went out with Glenn for dinner for Valentine's or when I ask them how to cook some stuff. They keep asking if the rice came out good, which it did ;-)
Many times I have read blogs or comments in the TG community and I have wanted to argue about certain issues that conflict with my views. I am not an antagonistic person, and I have always believed myself an outsider. Things like lists and demands or formulas have never been a priority to me. I know that my practical and simple way of dealing with things is not everyone's cup of tea. But it works for me. What is my reaction when there is an unsettling situation? Nothing. I don't get mad or outraged. Kids are still the biggest part of my delivery route. Most of the new kids in the new accounts will always ask if I am a boy or a girl. Some are bold enough to ask. My answer is always the same: "what do you think?" They smile or giggle, I smile back and they will say hi again, next time I show up. Mom's love commenting on my hair, I do take really good care of it and go to the salon at least every 2 months. So do I get upset if they answer boy? No. People make up their minds of who I am, my gender is not always relevant in these situations. Does it bother me? Not really, what really bothered me was that one of the girls at work I came out to stared and giggled at me when I showed up to the office, the day I went on vacations. Not wearing my work clothes and wearing some tight jeans and hair loose had that effect on her. Of course, now all the girls in the office are on this Herbalife Diet. Think it is coincidental they started after I came back from vacations?
I still think I have a lot of things to work on, like legally changing my name. Back when I felt entitled and justified, I had mail and stuff I bought online shipped to Laura. And I have not stopped that custom, even when I moved to Glenn's. His mail lady is very accomodating and never asks questions . Unfortunately, it happened that she was off on vacations and the substitute person refused to release a package without an ID. Even when G explained the situation, she was not going to deviate from her statutes. So I guess I have to stop this foolish custom and use my official name until I change my name, which is very simple here in Fla, You only need to show up before the judge and pay 300 bux. What a bargain! :-P
We went to see Watchmen last nite, and I really enjoyed the pic. Never have followed the comic book so to me it was a well directed movie, with plot that kept me interested for the 160 minutes. Of course we were late, and after the movie we went to Johnny's for a few drinks. Place was dead, but it is quite enjoyable when your friends are not there too. You get to chat with people, who otherwise would not come near you if you were in a large loud group. While G was occupied elsewhere, some guy sat next to me and started a conversation. Now if I was in a place like Trixies, I would have expected it, admirers hang there like flies around cow dung. But I was minding my own business, listening to the band play. We started chatting it up and I sensed he didn't have any covert intentions. He was actually quite nice and bought me a drink when he saw I had finished mine. We must have talked for about 30 minutes when Glenn returned. We all continued talking for another 2 minutes, quite an enjoyable evening :-)
4 weeks ago